Thursday, 19 May 2016
Wednesday, 18 May 2016
Can we spot the red warning flags and do we listen to our head or our heart or should we really only be listening and trusting our gut instinct?
Exactly 23 days is about betrayal in more than one guise.
Not only is the main character the victim of the 'usual suspect' of having had one's husband engage in an affair but there is another betrayal for her too. I won't disclose the details of that second betrayal in this blog post because I don't want to be responsible for a spoiler alert for readers but it was completely unexpected and floors her just as her husbands affair had done. In her analysis post betrayal, she wondered if she could have seen those red flags that may have been warning her and therefore prevented the avalanche of pain that subsequently followed.
Not only is the main character the victim of the 'usual suspect' of having had one's husband engage in an affair but there is another betrayal for her too. I won't disclose the details of that second betrayal in this blog post because I don't want to be responsible for a spoiler alert for readers but it was completely unexpected and floors her just as her husbands affair had done. In her analysis post betrayal, she wondered if she could have seen those red flags that may have been warning her and therefore prevented the avalanche of pain that subsequently followed.
Red flags apply to many aspects of relationships and not specifically to betrayal, so what can we do to make sure that we heed our inbuilt warning systems and look after our emotional and physical selves.
One thing I have learnt when a relationship ends is that when you go right back to the very beginning with your magnifying glass and look really, really closely, you will see that there may not have been huge red flags waving at you BUT there was most definitely 'red bunting' fluttering in the breeze. So why did you ignore the bunting? Why did you wait until the huge red flag was right in front of you, ready to wrap itself around you like an 'I told you so' blanket?
New relationships are meant to be fun, exciting, happy, full of hope and certainly something better than we have had before. After all you are not going to repeat that behaviour and get wrapped up and trapped again are you? Surely not.
There is such a feeling of euphoria when you really 'like' somebody new. You don't want to think anything suspicious or bad about them because a) you wouldn't choose to think bad of somebody from the get go would you? Not when you are motivated from a core of kindness, (you only want to see the good in EVERYBODY), right? and b) you wouldn't choose somebody who had the capacity to wave red flags right in front of your face. You are a savvy, streetwise, educated woman. You're not going to KEEP getting it wrong surely!
There is such a feeling of euphoria when you really 'like' somebody new. You don't want to think anything suspicious or bad about them because a) you wouldn't choose to think bad of somebody from the get go would you? Not when you are motivated from a core of kindness, (you only want to see the good in EVERYBODY), right? and b) you wouldn't choose somebody who had the capacity to wave red flags right in front of your face. You are a savvy, streetwise, educated woman. You're not going to KEEP getting it wrong surely!
But what if your magnifying glass is dirty and you cannot see the 'red bunting' fluttering in the distance? The shitty attitude that he has when you didn't answer a text straight away, the raised eyebrows when you say you have a housing plan with a girlfriend that doesn't involve him, the 'slipped in' statement that he had jealousy issues in a previous relationship, the 'timetabled', detailed planning of everything you did together, the secrecy with his mobile phone, the excuses to take the dogs out for the fifth time that day, the overtime on his day off, the sudden enthusiasm to do the dishes when previously he had had a continuous affair with the sofa! etc, etc.
You didn't see it because it was all so nicely gift wrapped in flowers, chocolates, nice meals out, impressive Valentines gifts, unusual birthday gifts, bottles of Prosecco, live music and dancing, great holidays, fun, laughter and tied up nicely with the pretty ribbons of attention, compliments galore, tender kisses that led to crescendo kisses, great sex and the euphoria of the feeling inside you when he declared that he loved you!
What woman wouldn't want all of that? That's a perfect relationship isn't it? No bunting, no red flags, don't be stupid you tell yourself, you just 'imagined' that negative thought, you are paranoid because of past hurt. This guy is so nice!
You didn't see it because it was all so nicely gift wrapped in flowers, chocolates, nice meals out, impressive Valentines gifts, unusual birthday gifts, bottles of Prosecco, live music and dancing, great holidays, fun, laughter and tied up nicely with the pretty ribbons of attention, compliments galore, tender kisses that led to crescendo kisses, great sex and the euphoria of the feeling inside you when he declared that he loved you!
What woman wouldn't want all of that? That's a perfect relationship isn't it? No bunting, no red flags, don't be stupid you tell yourself, you just 'imagined' that negative thought, you are paranoid because of past hurt. This guy is so nice!
Well HELL NO! Listen to the fluttering sound of that 'red bunting' because just over the horizon are the huge red flags of realism ready to be blown in on the breeze to waft against your body before the hurricane force winds eventually arrive and wrap that motherfucker red flag right around you like you are a swaddled baby who cannot escape! And then what?
You're deeply involved by now, not only does he love you but you quite obviously love him too, you have children together, you work every hour god sends and he now controls your wages, your girlfriends have long gone because he now controls every aspect of your life. "Why have you done that?", "Why haven't you done this?", "I told you I wanted so and so?," "You're not going there", "you're not having that", "why are you texting him/her?" You are now so wrapped up and tightly bound by that red flag, that it might as well be a straight jacket. You can't escape. He's trapped you. Emotionally, financially and very likely physically too.
You're deeply involved by now, not only does he love you but you quite obviously love him too, you have children together, you work every hour god sends and he now controls your wages, your girlfriends have long gone because he now controls every aspect of your life. "Why have you done that?", "Why haven't you done this?", "I told you I wanted so and so?," "You're not going there", "you're not having that", "why are you texting him/her?" You are now so wrapped up and tightly bound by that red flag, that it might as well be a straight jacket. You can't escape. He's trapped you. Emotionally, financially and very likely physically too.
You look a shadow of your former self, there is pain in your eyes, your heart and your soul. You don't sleep, you either over eat or starve yourself, you dread him coming home, you dread his text messages, you dread him kissing you because you know he wants a shag (he no longer makes love to you, if indeed he ever did!), you dread the dawning light of each new day and you dread the fading light of each and every night. You dread every aspect of your life with him.
You are now trapped in the vortex of abuse but until you realise that 'abuse' actually comes in many forms, you will keep trying to climb out of that vortex again and again. Where will you go, who can help?, nobody cares, I need him to survive, I can't manage financially on my own, I can't put my children through the misery of separating them from their dad, what will happen to the dogs, what if he finds me when I've gone? These are just some of the cogs going round and round in your head as you try to make sense of how you came to be so trapped.
Trust yourself first and foremost. There is ALWAYS an answer and a way out and help IS always nearby but the answer and the help need searching for by YOU! They are not coming to you. Go out there and free yourself, free your soul, free your mind, free your heart, free your children. Find that help that is most definitely there. Slowly begin to enjoy your re-birth and as you embark on your journey don't listen to your heart, don't listen to your head, listen loud and clear to the flutter of the 'red bunting' as it gently warns you that the red flags are coming and that they are harsh, brutal, uncaring and patiently waiting to rob you of your core. Embrace the red bunting, smile inside as you recognise the symptoms of previous behaviours and listen to your new best friend, who just happens to be your 'GUT' feeling and practice acting upon those feelings in all aspects of your life and enjoy the new journey that is taking you to the most amazing adventure, free from disrespect and abuse and learn to love, respect and have pride in the new you that emerges.
I love red bunting! The Red flags don't get anywhere near me anymore.
You are now trapped in the vortex of abuse but until you realise that 'abuse' actually comes in many forms, you will keep trying to climb out of that vortex again and again. Where will you go, who can help?, nobody cares, I need him to survive, I can't manage financially on my own, I can't put my children through the misery of separating them from their dad, what will happen to the dogs, what if he finds me when I've gone? These are just some of the cogs going round and round in your head as you try to make sense of how you came to be so trapped.
Trust yourself first and foremost. There is ALWAYS an answer and a way out and help IS always nearby but the answer and the help need searching for by YOU! They are not coming to you. Go out there and free yourself, free your soul, free your mind, free your heart, free your children. Find that help that is most definitely there. Slowly begin to enjoy your re-birth and as you embark on your journey don't listen to your heart, don't listen to your head, listen loud and clear to the flutter of the 'red bunting' as it gently warns you that the red flags are coming and that they are harsh, brutal, uncaring and patiently waiting to rob you of your core. Embrace the red bunting, smile inside as you recognise the symptoms of previous behaviours and listen to your new best friend, who just happens to be your 'GUT' feeling and practice acting upon those feelings in all aspects of your life and enjoy the new journey that is taking you to the most amazing adventure, free from disrespect and abuse and learn to love, respect and have pride in the new you that emerges.
I love red bunting! The Red flags don't get anywhere near me anymore.
Tuesday, 9 February 2016
How are you?
Hello. How are you? Time flies doesn't it and I cannot believe that over a month has gone by since my last blog post and that is a stark reminder to me of the fast ticking away of our lives. We won't be on this journey again. We will not be able to revisit once our journey here is done and so that is all the more reason why we should be doing two things whilst we are here. Firstly we should be being the best person we possibly can be to ensure goodness flows in our lives (what you give is what you get, karma 'what goes around comes around', the law of attraction), however you view and contribute to the life you live comes right back at you. I truly believe that. So lets all carry on paying it forward and helping each other. We are all creatures of this magnificent place called earth and we should respect each other more and that means all species in my world! Even the tiniest gestures can make such a huge difference to a persons day so keep kind in mind!
The second thing we should be doing is going for our dreams. What is your dream whilst you are here on earth? My dream is to write and to get my published work out there and the only way that is happening is if I 'work out how to work that out'. Nobody is bringing my dream to me, it is mine, I dreamt it and I have to make that dream become a reality and I am working relentlessly every day to get my first published book out there into the wider world. People who are local to my world were constantly telling me that they loved my book in many different ways, when they reviewed it as the chapters emerged. Then the slowly rippling pond started to reflect the same opinions of my work from new readers and that added to my growing self belief in my writing. I have always believed in it to an extent because I love it and I am passionate about what I do. I am also a perfectionist in attempting to deliver a good piece of writing, whether that was in my previous career, in the writing I send to a friend on their birthday or in my scribbled notes for future work, or for my current book. Do the very best you can and then do it again and again and don't stop until it IS the best possible piece of work you can do is what drives me in my writing. Every time.
If you're a runner, run again, if your a cake maker, bake another one, if you're a potter, throw another clay on the wheel! Be determined that ONLY the best is ever good enough to send out there. Strive for the best you can do and when you are ready go out there and run, bake, create, write, whatever your dream is, just go out there and do it again and again and again until you are living it. Really living it, so that it becomes the new you, you are 'living' in that dream and no longer dreaming it. It needs to be your absolute focus so literally, that nothing else matters. I am doing that now and I am NEVER turning around. I am a writer and my words are slowly getting out there in the bigger world and that fills me with joy as new readers now contact me (people I do not know on a daily basis) to tell me that they too find my work inspiring, relatable, sad, funny etc etc. Yes I really am living my dream. So why don't you give yourself permission to live yours. We are not passing this way again.
Sweet dreams readers and thank you for stopping by and looking in on my dreams. Good luck.
https://completelynovel.com/books/exactly-23-days
The second thing we should be doing is going for our dreams. What is your dream whilst you are here on earth? My dream is to write and to get my published work out there and the only way that is happening is if I 'work out how to work that out'. Nobody is bringing my dream to me, it is mine, I dreamt it and I have to make that dream become a reality and I am working relentlessly every day to get my first published book out there into the wider world. People who are local to my world were constantly telling me that they loved my book in many different ways, when they reviewed it as the chapters emerged. Then the slowly rippling pond started to reflect the same opinions of my work from new readers and that added to my growing self belief in my writing. I have always believed in it to an extent because I love it and I am passionate about what I do. I am also a perfectionist in attempting to deliver a good piece of writing, whether that was in my previous career, in the writing I send to a friend on their birthday or in my scribbled notes for future work, or for my current book. Do the very best you can and then do it again and again and don't stop until it IS the best possible piece of work you can do is what drives me in my writing. Every time.
If you're a runner, run again, if your a cake maker, bake another one, if you're a potter, throw another clay on the wheel! Be determined that ONLY the best is ever good enough to send out there. Strive for the best you can do and when you are ready go out there and run, bake, create, write, whatever your dream is, just go out there and do it again and again and again until you are living it. Really living it, so that it becomes the new you, you are 'living' in that dream and no longer dreaming it. It needs to be your absolute focus so literally, that nothing else matters. I am doing that now and I am NEVER turning around. I am a writer and my words are slowly getting out there in the bigger world and that fills me with joy as new readers now contact me (people I do not know on a daily basis) to tell me that they too find my work inspiring, relatable, sad, funny etc etc. Yes I really am living my dream. So why don't you give yourself permission to live yours. We are not passing this way again.
Sweet dreams readers and thank you for stopping by and looking in on my dreams. Good luck.
https://completelynovel.com/books/exactly-23-days
Saturday, 2 January 2016
Did you throw out the old year in readiness for the new one?
A very happy New Year to you all. Where ever you are from my little corner of the world as I enter yours via the wonder of satellite technology and online media, I wish you a wonderful 2016. I wish you a healthy year or a healthier year at least, if, like me, you have a challenging diagnosis. I wish you a happy year or a happier year if 2015 was lacking in the happiness stakes for you and I wish you all wealth too.
What does wealth mean to me? Well initially the thoughts of 'more money' come to mind, so that I can buy, or get things for people that I love and care about and for myself too of course, but actually I love to 'give' to others and I am so glad my childhood instilled that gift of giving into me. I have a limited income and cannot possibly give as much as I would love to, to all those I cherish? Or can I? Of course I can. I can give many many things other than money and things.
I have started my 2016 giving plan today by emptying a wardrobe of electrical and kitchen items stored there, that I will never use again. I will give them to offenders who are setting up home again after serving prison sentences.
I am starting a life changing food regime on Monday and my cupboards, fridge and freezer will be emptied in readiness for the new shopping list and so all that produce will be given to a homeless shelter. A new food regime also means a new body shape and so my wardrobes and clothes drawers will be organised and all the excesses, never to be worn again, will be given to my local charity shops.
As well as giving away THINGS! I will give more of my time away in 2016 to the 'things' close to my heart, in order to ease others pain.
I will do that by giving more time to the elderly widows that I love to spend time with at our teatime eat treats!and I intend to contact an elderly charity about 'Sharing Sunday's' to encourage an elderly person to come and share a Sunday meal with me and mine.
I will also donate some of my time to Millie's Trust (an organisation set up by a mother and father who's child choked to death whilst at a daycare centre) and her parents have devoted their lives since the death of their daughter to preventing other children experiencing a lack of first aid care whilst attending nursery. They have won multiple well deserved awards and even put enough pressure upon the government to get Paediatric First Aid legislation changed here in the UK. A fantastic charity that I have registered my interest with that I will give my time to in 2016. Check them out at info@milliestrust.com
I also intend to help Gift of a Wedding again in 2016. This is another incredible charity that gifts weddings to people who are terminally ill or who have a life altering challenging illness and they do this by sourcing every aspect of a wedding, that the happy couple desire, often with very limited timescales due to the severity of illness and imminent death of one of the recipients of the weddings. Again a wholly worthwhile charity that you can check out at www.giftofawedding.org
I will give time to my children in 2016 to help them in whatever way I can as their mum. I adore my children and I am fortunate that I have two happy, healthy children who are making their way in the world! A mums job is never done. EVER.
I will give time to my friends in their times of need in 2016. 2015 presented many of my circle of girlfriends with challenges to their health, wealth and happiness (including myself) and we were all there for each other as we always are, to pull each other back up and face the wrong turnings of our live's in order to soldier on!
I will give my friends laughter too in 2016. Girly giggles and belly laughing shrieks until the tears roll and we need the Tenna ladies again, because that is what they give me in so many many instances. Knowing I am going round to a girlfriends or having a girly meal out or a girls night on the town drinking and dancing or having a fire pit night in the garden, whatever it is, it will be amazing because we are all there for one thing only, to 'give' to each other. A hug, a smile, a glass or two, the best lemon cake EVER or laughter. It's the best present you could ever give to anyone, 'giving' something of yourself for someone else, whether it's for their health, their wealth or their happiness.
I will also be giving my words to my readers in the form of my blog, my social media presence and through my current book: https://completelynovel.com/books/exactly-23-days and possibly via new words too if I publish more work in 2016, I will certainly be writing more stuff in readiness for publishing! Words too, are a lovely gift to give, full of comfort, peace, solace, encouragement, motivation, reassurance, laughter etc etc.
Words really can be a fabulous gift and 2015 saw me throw away people, things, and words that were no good for me in readiness for the joys of health, wealth and happiness coming mine and your way in 2016. Happy, healthy and wealthy you for 2016.
What will you be 'giving' in 2016?
Wednesday, 9 December 2015
Reviewing the reviews
Hello everybody, having received a request to meet and have coffee with one of my readers who I have never met before, I was intrigued to meet her today face to face and to discover her thoughts on my debut novel. I was introduced to her by a friend who had recommended my book Exactly 23 days to her. Upon arrival her greeting to me was, "I am so pleased to meet you, I am your number one fan, I just have three words, "'Amazing, I loved it!' Oh that's four words!."
Well she certainly appears to be my number one fan! She was so full of praise for my work. She continued to tell me that she could not put the book down, that she read it at every available spare moment she had, taking it to work with her to enjoy it in her breaks and often falling asleep at night reading it too, such was her determination to get to the end. She said that it was the fastest that she had ever read a book, stating also that she has hundreds of books and that it was the best book she had ever read! AND that she cannot wait for book two! She said that I had inspired her with my attitude and determination to survive, when I could so easily have sunk to the depths of despair and that she cried and laughed throughout the story and that she too, loved the 'creative' name given to the villain in the book! She finally said that she loved the fact it gave other women, in a similar situation hope that they too can survive betrayal!
All that praise from one woman!. I am so thrilled that one of my readers took the time to request a coffee meeting with me and give me such wonderful face to face feedback.
How does it make me feel? Well, incredible, excited, grateful, humbled and inspired to carry on for sure! It also made me want to reflect on ALL the praise that I have had for Exactly 23 days over the past few weeks for two reasons: 1) to allow myself to actually relish in the pleasure that my work is bringing to peoples lives and 2) to acknowledge that each one of those many many positive reviews (there has not been a single negative review to date) is equally as valid as the comments from 'my number one fan' in inspiring me to continue and adding to those feelings of excitement, gratitude and humility! Thank you all, everyone of you.
Here are some more of those reviews:
Two words: Love it! (female 40's)
I can really see this as a movie! (male 50's)
I have not read a book since I was 16 and it was compulsory to do so at school, I couldn't put it down. I couldn't wait to get to the end which had some amazing twists! (male 40's)
Wow, this book is amazing, it is very relatable and had me tearing up at points. (female 20's)
Wow Jayne what a story!!! unbelievable. Couldn't put it down at one point...the book made me laugh and made me cry all the way through, well done you. Now get on with the next one haha. (Edited version in order to prevent plot spoiler alerts! Female 60's)
I'm so fed up 😟 have finished your amazing book, Exactly 23 days. I didn't want it to end, I can relate to so much in your book, have laughed & cried at Fi's journey and felt her heartache. Well done!!!! (female 50's)
I'm really enjoying your wonderfully written and funny book Jayne!! Clever lady! (female 40's)
And so on and so on. I am truly overwhelmed that my passion for writing is having such a response and to have the women who have read it, now buying bulk orders off me for their girlfriends Christmas presents is just wonderful. People could simply humour me with their praise but they are not, they are 'heaping' praise upon me and my work and that is THE most perfect of all reviews as a writer, to have your readers giving honest and heartfelt feedback and praise. To have multiple people tell me that they have cried and laughed at my book is truly phenomenal and I am so proud that my book had the capacity to evoke real tears in people, but to know that it is also making them laugh out loud too is incredible. Thank YOU. Oh, and that means YOU too! Thank you.
Word of the day: Emotional: I have smashed it! I have managed to create a piece of work that has evoked emotions of sadness and gladness within my readers. And to my editor who said he could really see it as a movie on several occasions, that sentiment was also re-iterated today by my number one fan!
If this blog post has sparked an interest in my book then you can purchase it from: https://completelynovel.com/books/exactly-23-days
in paperback or from iBooks for all apple gadgets or from Amazon.co.uk
Well she certainly appears to be my number one fan! She was so full of praise for my work. She continued to tell me that she could not put the book down, that she read it at every available spare moment she had, taking it to work with her to enjoy it in her breaks and often falling asleep at night reading it too, such was her determination to get to the end. She said that it was the fastest that she had ever read a book, stating also that she has hundreds of books and that it was the best book she had ever read! AND that she cannot wait for book two! She said that I had inspired her with my attitude and determination to survive, when I could so easily have sunk to the depths of despair and that she cried and laughed throughout the story and that she too, loved the 'creative' name given to the villain in the book! She finally said that she loved the fact it gave other women, in a similar situation hope that they too can survive betrayal!
All that praise from one woman!. I am so thrilled that one of my readers took the time to request a coffee meeting with me and give me such wonderful face to face feedback.
How does it make me feel? Well, incredible, excited, grateful, humbled and inspired to carry on for sure! It also made me want to reflect on ALL the praise that I have had for Exactly 23 days over the past few weeks for two reasons: 1) to allow myself to actually relish in the pleasure that my work is bringing to peoples lives and 2) to acknowledge that each one of those many many positive reviews (there has not been a single negative review to date) is equally as valid as the comments from 'my number one fan' in inspiring me to continue and adding to those feelings of excitement, gratitude and humility! Thank you all, everyone of you.
Here are some more of those reviews:
Two words: Love it! (female 40's)
I can really see this as a movie! (male 50's)
I have not read a book since I was 16 and it was compulsory to do so at school, I couldn't put it down. I couldn't wait to get to the end which had some amazing twists! (male 40's)
Wow, this book is amazing, it is very relatable and had me tearing up at points. (female 20's)
Wow Jayne what a story!!! unbelievable. Couldn't put it down at one point...the book made me laugh and made me cry all the way through, well done you. Now get on with the next one haha. (Edited version in order to prevent plot spoiler alerts! Female 60's)
I'm so fed up 😟 have finished your amazing book, Exactly 23 days. I didn't want it to end, I can relate to so much in your book, have laughed & cried at Fi's journey and felt her heartache. Well done!!!! (female 50's)
I'm really enjoying your wonderfully written and funny book Jayne!! Clever lady! (female 40's)
And so on and so on. I am truly overwhelmed that my passion for writing is having such a response and to have the women who have read it, now buying bulk orders off me for their girlfriends Christmas presents is just wonderful. People could simply humour me with their praise but they are not, they are 'heaping' praise upon me and my work and that is THE most perfect of all reviews as a writer, to have your readers giving honest and heartfelt feedback and praise. To have multiple people tell me that they have cried and laughed at my book is truly phenomenal and I am so proud that my book had the capacity to evoke real tears in people, but to know that it is also making them laugh out loud too is incredible. Thank YOU. Oh, and that means YOU too! Thank you.
Word of the day: Emotional: I have smashed it! I have managed to create a piece of work that has evoked emotions of sadness and gladness within my readers. And to my editor who said he could really see it as a movie on several occasions, that sentiment was also re-iterated today by my number one fan!
If this blog post has sparked an interest in my book then you can purchase it from: https://completelynovel.com/books/exactly-23-days
in paperback or from iBooks for all apple gadgets or from Amazon.co.uk
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